Finding Joy In the Boxes

God is good, and He never ceases to amaze me! He is sovereign, always in control; I am just so glad that he is Lord over my life.  He is constantly working in my life to mold me into the person He’s purposed me to be.  Lately He has been exposing a lot of sin in my life, and bringing me down on my knees to a place of brokenness, repentance, forgiveness, healing, and growth. 

Last week I was having one of those days at work where I gave into my weaknesses one too many times.  I have been assigned a project of boxing up thousands of 2011 files, organizing them and getting them ready to be picked up by an outside scanning company.  Just when I thought I was beginning to see the end of this project, my boss asked me to start the same process for all the Termed 2012 files.  So each day of work I spend the last 2 hours of my time organizing these files—accounting for them, putting them in boxes, labeling the boxes, and moving them in a cart to a designated area downstairs (thank God we have an elevator).  It sounds easy enough right? But when you have thousands of folders to go through, it can be overwhelming, very time consuming, and sometimes frustrating.  Last Tuesday I was having one of those frustrating moments with the boxes; every time I got a paper cut, or hurt myself lifting and moving those heavy boxes, I just wanted to hand in my resignation and look for a job where I could make better use of my talents and earn more money.  Oftentimes the following thoughts would cross my mind:

“Karys, you can definitely do better than this!”

“You went to college and graduated with honors to move these stupid boxes?”

“Why are you sweating in an office job; they did not tell you that you would be doing labor when you applied, they are taking advantage of you!”

“Wow, you totally just wasted a degree, time and money; anyone can do this, someone else should do this, you deserve better!”  

I would try to take those thoughts captive and tell myself that it wasn’t so bad, and that I should be humble instead.  But this desire would soon be replaced with the thoughts above or with even worst thoughts, such as

“Maybe this is all that you could ever do, you’re just not good enough to do better!” “You’re the lowliest in this job, that’s why you’re doing such insignificant work; just stop whining and accept that this is all that you are capable of!”

On and on I wrestled with these thoughts.  When I finally got home that evening, I felt defeated, physically and emotionally. As soon as Tim asked me how my day went, I grumbled, complained, cried, and justified my doing so. I vented all my frustration with Tim, and shared my struggles of desiring to be humble, but at the same time wanting a better job where I don’t feel like I wasted four years of my life working hard in school. Tim on the other hand, encouraged me to look at this project with a new perspective, and to try to find joy in these boxes. 

That night while Tim worked on homework, I read chapter 11 of Ravi Zacharias’ book Walking From East to West, which by the way is a great book! One particular part that stood out to me was a low point for Ravi when he was turned down by the Air Force, and a man encouraged him with these words:

“Remember this, from Psalm 37, ‘the steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.’ God has it all in order.”  “Commit thy way unto the LORD; Trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.” 

I immediately thought, “wow God are you trying to tell me something?”  Little did I know that that moment was only the beginning of all that God had to say to me.  After I read a few more chapters, I proceeded to read from another book Your Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson.  The section began with The Message’s translation of Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen to God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep track.” 

My stomach got that warm feeling inside, and I just knew that I was in for a ride with God that night. I turned the next page and began reading chapter 3, which started with 1 Peter 5:5-7

“God has had it with the proud, but takes delight in just plain people.  So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs.  God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time…” 

Oh man! that proud person putting on airs was definitely me.  Susie proceeded to share about a refining period in her life where God cleansed her, and brought her to a place of submission and obedience. God taught her about purity of heart, serving with a good attitude, and trusting God in that place.  The struggles she shared truly resonated with what I was going through.    

As I read, every single word felt like an arrow to my heart, I was breaking as God used this book to expose the filth in my heart.  The tears were welling up inside of me, and I just had to get alone with God, so I locked myself in my bedroom and just wept before the Lord. In that moment of brokenness, I confessed all my sins—my poor attitude, my pride, my lack of trust and contentment, my selfishness, and my self-righteousness among many others.  I asked for forgiveness and accepted the grace and healing which only my beautiful savior can bring about.  But God didn’t just use this particular chapter titled Wait on God to expose my sins and cleanse me, He also taught me and brought new hope into my life.  I love this part from Susie’s book:

If you are in a waiting, not-yet season, slow down and let the Lord speak to you in that place.  And when He does speak, do not harden your heart.  When He addresses a weakness in your life, don't shrug it off like it’s nothing, because it’s something.  And when He points out an area of inconsistency in your life, don’t crumble in despair like you’re nothing, because you’re definitely something! He disciplines those He loves.  He invests in you because He intends to use you greatly.

I have also made her prayer my prayer:

Lord, I trust You in this place.  If You make me wait, it’s because You’re making me ready. You give Your best gifts to those who trust in and wait on You. Amen.  

So now I am trusting God as He is making me wait and preparing me for what lies ahead.  I am remembering that He is Sovereign, and I am learning to constantly commit my way unto Him because He has everything in order. It's funny, I used to think that God had led me to this job so that I could be a witness and have an impact on others. But now I am learning that He brought me to this job because HE wanted to work in my life – to teach me, refine me, prepare me, and grow me.  God is so good! Through these times of brokenness I have found so much joy in knowing that God cares enough to discipline me, to teach me, to love me.  He could have just left me in that place of grumbling, complaining and discontentment, but instead He chose to gather me up in His loving arms and refine me.  How could I ever doubt that God is real, when His timing is perfect and I can clearly see Him working.  It’s no coincidence that I read those two books on that particular Tuesday night, God was working, oh how I love Him!